The oppressor within: On hair, racism and queerness

My dad is white and he is a racist.

Unlike him, i really do not hold whiteness anywhere I-go. My personal parents played a large character in instilling discreet racist assumptions in me, and it’s used me years to disassemble this inbuilt racism.

There’s a confronting and worried nature in unpacking my personal upbringing and knowing Im blood-related to your very dilemmas I’m grappling within my personal identities in a wider context.

I shudder whenever I think about the way I accustomed butcher my For beautiful black hair, or the way I would press along side it of my sight alongside the palm of my personal arms in major school so my personal eyes would look less slanted; significantly less Chinese.

Personally I think a-deep shame whenever I keep in mind the way I appeared additional means as passers-by informed my mummy to go back to in which she came from.

Image: used by writer, Angie K


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t started in my personal early twenties: my gayness, lesbianism and queerness tend to be in which I learned all about empowerment and self-determination. I carved the area I had to develop for my self these days, however the process of doing this eclipsed me personally from my competition.

It is taken me personally years to find this , but I can now happily point out that i’m a biracial queer females living and dealing on Darug Land. I’m the little one of migrant moms and dads, and I also am a beneficiary on the colonisation of unearned privileges on unceded lands.

We acknowledge that with all my personal intersectional identities and residing alleged Australian Continent, Im also provided privileges. You will find learned abilities to navigate complex systems, yet, its throughout these areas I am consistently reminded that We survive the sides and margins of society.

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see myself personally as if on a see-saw; on a single conclusion, rejecting and liberating myself from white heteronormativity, while on one other, subconsciously aligning with principal white discourses, despite becoming othered from this extremely party.

Intersectional privileges and oppressions are employed in mysterious steps.

It generally does not take decades to realize that privileges (or absence thereof) are usually mounted on a certain hue of epidermis, facial feature, or the texture or color of your respective hair.

My skin tone and my locks colour carry on being the most tactile note that racism is actually rife. I’m teaching themselves to navigate the hard tensions of holding onto multiple cultures and identities.

My queerness and my personal biracial background tend to be both subjugated by forces of white heteronormativity.

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ecently, I happened to be welcomed to-be on an LGBTQ+ multicultural panel for work. In a racial panic, I wasn’t certain that I was an imposter. Years of internalised racism and trying to be white will do that to you.

Surprisingly, becoming people of colour decided not to generate myself resistant to becoming a racist. I would been trained by family members, pals and educational establishments that battle and cultural variety tend to be siloed from LGBTQ+ identities – but I am living evidence of embodying both.

Every so often, I get the experience that I am both inside and outside of my culture and competition. One-foot in, one foot out; neither right here nor there. Perhaps not white sufficient, nor Asian sufficient. Maybe straight-passing, or maybe maybe not queer adequate.

Its as if I’m al


means wandering in-between social edges and boundaries, acutely aware that these invisible outlines tend to be dependant on people that have power.

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‘m unfortunate that Im yet in order to meet some body like me that is older. Insufficient representation is actually a critical issue.

So what does ageing as a queer lady of colour resemble? Is it possible to contemplate any person? Can you think of their unique stories? Penny Wong is my only point of guide, and she is not old.

Seated with one of these views is actually analysis of my self; a work of really love. It is a crucial method of examining experiences of power and advantage. It is about embracing uncertainty and interrogating my previously-held subconscious mind assumptions, particularly those guided toward my self.

Here is the deep influence of racism, especially if it’s internalised. I call this ‘The Oppressor Within’.

I’m embarrassed it really is used this long to unpack, but i’m happy Im ultimately here. I would like to examine my personal internalised racism and work through that it is a well-rounded individual in community. I will be shocked by personal presumptions and lack of knowledge.

I want to be versatile inside my reasoning and behavior and so I can go beyond simply becoming self-aware, and check out means of dissecting my expertise systems, beliefs and presumptions.

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y black locks are a consistent indication of my weight – a visual disrupter to dominant narratives.


My hair is an indication to centre my self.

Until not too long ago, I had long, dense black colored tresses.


But then I braided my personal hair into a ponytail and make the grade all off which includes kitchen scissors.

It absolutely was probably a COVID lockdown second, nevertheless quickly thought as though it was over hair I was cutting out. It decided my personal culture, my personal heritage, my identification.

My tresses – the signifier representing my Chinese-ness –  connects and reminds me personally of my personal mommy along with her mummy. It reminds me of my personal lineage.

My personal black locks are evidence. It’s an emblem in the same way that You will find a hairless undercut on the edges of my personal visit alert and show my personal queerness. It is an outwards projection of my identity; a careful dance of authenticity combined with performativity as graphic markers or clues to appropriate communities.

All of this is actually carefully thought to depict myself from within.

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ore figures in the top range across numerous areas is a bonus, but a “happy picture of diversity” wont serve anymore. I believe handling systemic issues additionally the further problems of exclusions calls for more than that.

Im prepared to practice available and real dialogue.

I would like to meet other people navigating their numerous and unique intersectional identities of competition and queerness, f


ar away in a place beyond binary paradigms where the audience is living proof embodying almost everything. I’m not sure just what this may appear to be for all of us but i will see you here.

Angie (she/her) is actually a lesbian/queer woman of colour lifestyle and working on Darug Land with her incredible partner and two puppies. She is prepared to discuss her tale and talk fact to power. Angie works within LGBTQ+ rooms where she centres the lived experiences of earlier LGBTQ+ people. Within her spare time, she is discovering the traditional Chinese guitar, Gu Zheng.